No Offence Intended

2007-09-18T12:08:00.000+02:00

What A Shame ...

Top French stuntman, Remy Julienne, was sued by French film producer Luc Besson over the death of a cameraman while shooting the 2nd in the popular 'Taxi' series. Shot in 1999, one particular sequence included a car leaping off a ramp. On its way back down to earth it struck and killed cameraman Alain Dutartre.

77 year old Julienne, who's credits include 7 James Bond films and the infamous original "The Italian Job", was then pursued by film bosses and Besson. The prosecutor had asked for a 6 month prison term and a €6000 fine. On September 11th of this year, the veteran stuntman was sentenced to an 18 month suspended sentence and a €13,000 fine.

The prosecutor accused Julienne of "not taking all the necessary measures for the security of the stunt in question" and notably to have "neglected the speed calculations of the car and the length of the jump".

Funny how lawyers suddenly become experts in any field they see fit.

I met Remy Julienne last year during the 'Salon du Cinema'. Here's the link: http://nooffenceintended.blogspot.com/2007/01/i-need-my-space.html

A charming man with a fascinating back-catalogue of stories and experience of up-ending vehicles. He wasn't very well then and I doubt that he's any better now.

Looks to me as though the money people won ...

Stu

2007-09-06T17:59:00.000+02:00

Rugby World Cup ...

Well, I'm busy again. After a month's retreat in the French countryside, it's back to work and I'm currently in Bordeaux with the Irish Rugby Team. Literally.

There could well be a RWC blog at this rate - we have nothing to do during the day so ... I can only take photos with my telephone (soft focus and huge pixels) but anything's possible.

I'm back up online as LJ from NI gave me a nudge!

Stu

2007-07-11T10:51:00.000+02:00

Cheap, But Funny ...

Nice.

My thanks to MB of the People's Republic of Ireland.

Stu

2007-06-16T07:10:00.000+02:00

Cluedo ...

For anyone following the Michael Barrymore fiasco in the UK, here's how closely the Police are (allegedly) holding their cards;

Stu
(my thanks to DM)

2007-06-13T07:34:00.000+02:00

Worth Thinking About ...

After a little over 10 years, I've kind of had enough of this place, it's mentality, it's inability to adapt and it's petty bloody rules and regulations. Rather like a small child learning to live with the world, whilst constantly being told off by an over-bearing adult: "Can't to this", "can't to that", "that's not allowed" and "don't even think of it" ...

It's not that I want to commit any form of crime, but simply the daydream of 'going postal' in the lobby of some institution brings a smile to anyone who cares to think about it. I even think that some of the locals have often dreamt of it too.

To get anything done around here means collectively raising your voice and your blood pressure. You have to be aggressive if you need anything from a public service provider and you're required to blow a gasket if a supplier spins you a yarn. Posturing like a B-movie mercenary is all they do and I've never seen a punch-up between two aggrieved motorists. They just posture and shout, rather like two warring birds of Paradise.

I was recently told that if I was to move to Rome, then two TV stations would give me as much work as I could handle. The News Editor was semi-serious. Hmmm. A move to another country at my age? With girlfriend and her child? I'm sure my beloved would love to go to Italy, after all, she swears beautifully in Italian.

With the French being quite so difficult to deal with, I fear that hopping over the frontier to mix with the equally highly-strung Mediterraneans may well be a case of "out of the frying pan etc".

But worth a thought. Let's see how the rest of 2007 goes ...

Stu

2007-06-12T12:00:00.000+02:00

Oh No, Not Again ...

Friday, June 8th:

My Mac iBook has been making grinding noises. Time for an upgrade, methinks. I wander over to the local Mac dealership, a large bright space on the other side of the road from the Pompidou Centre. I finally get served by some young whipersnapper, "Yes sir, What can I do for you?"

I replied that I'd like to buy a new laptop and that the Macbook that I'm pointing at would be perfect ... and I'd like a firewire cable so that I can transfer information from the old iBook.

I approach the counter and he slips around the other side to take my details. Yes, the machine is in stock and how would I like to pay? I produced my VISA card. A look of horror hijacked his fizzog. "Non, non, non sir. We don't take those cards". "But", I began, "it a VISA card and accepted all over the world!"

All except France, it would seem.

"If your card doesn't have a chip inside then we can't take it" can the response.

So, how do foreigners around the world deal (or not) with the French retail system? Hotels? Car hire? Food?

Being a clever sort of chap, I wasn't going to have this bugger up my purchase. Where there's a will etc ...

I returned home, logged onto their website and paid for the self same machine with the self same VISA card, the same card as I've had for years. Almost immediately an email came bouncing back saying "you have paid your bill using a credit card" and that the machine was "ready for collection at the shop". Good. I'll pop round in the morning.

Saturday 9th June:

I rang the shop and said that I'd paid online for a machine and could I come by and pick it up? "No sir. All internet transactions must be collected from another branch". The address was then given to me, I thanked the chap in question and rang the other shop (the HQ of the group). Upon answering his phone, I gave the salesman my name, my order number and quoted the two lines which were on the email: "you have paid your bill using a credit card" and "the machine was ready for collection at the shop".

"Well, we're open until 7pm" came the reply. So off I went.

At the other shop, I spoke to a chap who took me to a terminal and typed in my order number, "Oh dear, don't sem to have any in stock. Please call us on Monday". I was more than I little confused, "So why was I told to come here today by your colleague?" He shot me a well-rehearsed blank look.

"If there's a machine in stock in another branch, then can't I go and pick it up there?" I said. A smile spread over his face, "Yes, of course. Just check beforehand".

Wanting to cover my bases, I checked again and asked him "are you sure that they'll release one?" He replied in the affirmative so I called my local shop and explained that I was at their HQ and that they'd given permission for me to pick up a machine down with them. "Well, come on down sir!" came the enthusiastic reply.

I shot down to my local store and explained, at some length, the morning's running around. I was met with a somewhat aggressive salesman who thought I was going to rob the place. "No, I am not going to give you a machine. You have to call our HQ on Monday." I started to get a little hot under the collar. "But I've just come down from there and they told me that I could take the machine from here! Call them if you like."

I paced the floor for a good 10 minutes while the chap was on the phone. He came back with the same answer. I was now getting a tad furious. The machine had been paid for, they had some in stock but refused to let me have one. Once outside, I rang the Commercial Service boss at their HQ and explained everything, including the bit about one of his employees who gave me permission to pick a machine up at the other branch. He was very sorry for what I had been put through and would call me back. He did just that but told me that the money had not been released, that was why I couldn't have the machine. Would I call back on Monday? F**k it. You HAVE my money, YOU call ME!

Monday 11th June:

I wrote to my bank asking then to confirm that the payment I made on Friday had, indeed, reached its correct destination. An email came straight back to say "yes, it arrived in their account on the very day". I called after lunch and the Commercial Service boss said he'd look into it. Three hours later he called back to say that he had not been able to reach the accounts dept (in the same building) and that they would call me in the morning. Just as as throw-away question, I asked if he had any machines in stock? Yes, he did and he expected me to pick one up on the Tuesday morning. I thanked him and put the phone down.

Tuesday 12th June:

At 10h15 the phone rang and it was the Accounts Department of the company. Yes, the money had been released. Released? I told them that their money had been with them since the Friday afternoon and what was the problem? She skipped an explanation but told me that I would have to wait a further 5 days for the machine. I asked to speak to the Commercial Service boss. The line went dead, so I rang him. He seemed both pleased yet nervous to talk to me. Once he'd guffed his way through another explanation, I reminded him of what he had said the previous evening, that the machines were in stock. I asked him to explain why I had to wait a further 5 days. "Ahh, well, the machines we have were reserved." Well why wasn't it explained to me last night? I was lead to believe that machines were in stock available ...

My next line drew a rapid reply and a sense or urgency in his voice. "OK", I began, "I will give you until the end of the day on Wednesday to find me my new computer or I will be cancelling my order." He suddenly started to panic. It's not the sort of thing that they want. He assured me that he'd do his best.

Dicked around on the Friday and told I hadn't paid. Saturday, the same story but as there were no machines, I could pick a machine up elsewhere. I was refused. Monday, my money was still not there (see bank confirmation that it was) and the boss tells me that machines are in stock. Tuesday, told that the money had arrived but they had no machines for another 5 days.

++ Game over ++

Stu

2007-06-11T08:06:00.000+02:00

Sorry I'm Late ...

It's been a long Spring period and with pots going on, this blog hasn't exactly been top of my agenda

We've had the Presidential Elections, preparations for the International Airshow, the Legislative (Parliamentary) Elections and other miscellaneous bits and pieces.

It's now non-stop until the end of the first week of July; the second (and, quite frankly obvious result) of the Legislative Elections next weekend and then 7 days at the huge International airshow. Follow this with 24hrs back in the UK, polished off with 5 days out east on another aviation-related event.

Sadly, I'm not in a position where I can update my miserable existence on a daily basis or bring you all regular postings of fun stuff found in the press. My excuse has to be along the lines of 'time consuming' but that's not to say that I won't be bringing you 'more of the same' in the future.

There's been so much that I've missed out on: Paris Hilton in clink to name just one. Yes, she deserved to be locked up - we would be. And for missing out on such gems, I will be forever kicking myself. But that's what being busy does for you ...

So, as I might say to dear Paris, bide your time and I'll be back ...

Stu

2007-06-07T21:16:00.000+02:00

Only In America ...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6732003.stm

Stu

2007-05-22T00:23:00.000+02:00

An email has come flooding in from 'the discerning'.

Well, LJ from NI, I can only apologise, most sincerely, for not keeping up regular entries (insert actress/bishop routine here). We're all too pooped after the elections to do anything right now. In fact, my aim is so bad I couldn't hit water if I fell out of a boat.

... but we'll be steaming into June with more of the same.

Stu

2007-05-08T15:49:00.000+02:00

It's All Over ...

The right-wing midget won.

He's only 5'5" and currently in Malta on holiday ...

Stu

2007-05-02T08:04:00.000+02:00

Intermission ...

Well, we're half way through the elections. The last round is on May 6th.

Can we please get this over with as we're all tired and have had enough. I could really do with a weekend in the country without having to worry about deadlines and moaning clients.

Stu

2007-04-22T09:30:00.000+02:00

X Marks The Spot ...

So, April 22nd. The French vote.

Will it be the diminutive Hungarian, poof-hating Fascist?
The MILF?
The Man from No-Where?
A stuck-up farmer who smashed up a McDonalds 'restaurant'? (who's parents used to be researchers at the University of California)

... or the former paratrooper and founder of today's National Front Party who was kicked out of the European Parliament in April 2000 because of me?

You decide ... or not, as the case maybe.

Stu

2007-04-17T09:15:00.000+02:00

Blah, blah, blah ...

I must apologise to my reader but I haven't much time to bring you anything new. It's all a bit busy with the elections and other stuff ... normal service will be resumed in good time ...

Stu

2007-04-11T08:17:00.000+02:00

Leap Of Faith ...

Talk of 'making something out of nothing' ...

Picture this: A raccoon has wandered out of his natural habitat and found himself on a bridge over a busy 'freeway' in Sacremento, CA. He peers over the concrete parapet at the cars and lorries passing below. Someone calls the Fire Brigade and soon the 'freeway' is closed with fire crews, the media and local inhabitants flocking to the scene.

'Animal Control' tries to capture the animal with a plastic noose on a pole but the creature shies away and, loosing its footing, falls the 30-odd feet onto the concrete 'freeway' below. However, it survives the fall and all is well ...

Now, enter the media and their grossly inflated story-telling abilities. According to most, the animal 'knew what he was doing'. Crap. It's a wild omnivorous mammal with an IQ slightly above that of a journalist. It did what any scared, trapped animal would do in such a situation - it ran. It did not 'jump'.

Some headlines read "Raccoon's Spectacular Leap" and "Raccoon Survives After Jumping Off Bridge" and even "Raccoon Takes Daring Dive - And Lives!"

OK class, your homework for tonight is look up the definitions of 'jump' and 'fall' ...

Stu

2007-04-06T10:23:00.000+02:00

Pardon ...?

What is going on in the news business today? After all the usual headlines were read out on a national UK station this Good Friday, the following was dispatched with much 'gravitas';

".. and a British couple have been hospitalised in South Africa after falling off an elephant on the first day of their holiday."

With footy fans being beaten up by over-zealous European riot police, the deaths of 4 British Service personnel in Iraq and a list of other more deserving candidates, this was deemed as newsworthy??

Sometimes I dispair ...

Stu

2007-04-05T15:44:00.000+02:00

Ya Boo Sucks ...

The British 15 Navy/Marine personnel are back on home turf. The Americans, naturally, heaped criticism on the Blair government, suggesting that "threatening military action" might have been the answer.

No, Blair claims that diplomacy won the day and no military action was ever considered.

Typical, no? The Americans hit first and then ask questions ... err ... since the war began on 19th March 2003, Uncle Spam has seen 3260 dead service personnel flown home, where as the number of combined coalition troops is a lowly 264.

The last time that an American was taken hostage by Iran, the event played out for 444 days. I wonder how many 'threats' of violence were made over that one ...

Ride 'em cowboy ...

Stu

2007-04-03T06:44:00.000+02:00

Speak Up, Little Big Man ...

My intention was about to sit down a write a piece about the upcoming French Presidential elections. Then I thought "Nah. Sod it."

Stu

2007-04-01T18:29:00.000+02:00

A Little Quiz ...

Firstly, what's this:

Yes, children, it's a pedestrian crossing.

And what's this:

Right again, kiddies, it's a Parisien car number plate.

So, why don't the people who drive these bloody Parisien number plates around know what a predestrian crossing is for? Answers on a postcard please ...

Stu

2007-03-29T06:55:00.000+02:00

Tinpot Or Tosspot

Iran has 'detained' 15 British sailors whom they claim were found inside Iranian territorial water. The British Navy say that their GPS equipment proves that they were 1 mile inside Iraqi waters. The Iranians have said that this whole affair can be ended if the British admit to being in the wrong.

Zimbabwe's pensioner frontman, Robert Mugabe, still treats his political adversaries like terrorists. Morgan Tsvangirai has been beaten from pillar to post just because he believes it's time for change and that he doesn't agree with Mugabe's policies.

Swiss spray-painter, Oliver Jufer, has been jailed for 10 years following a drunken spree when he defaced portraits of King Bhumibol Adulyadej. Jufer, who has lived in Thailand for a decade, knew what he risked and even His Holiness has questioned the laws that protect him.

What a strange place we live in ...

Stu

2007-03-23T07:51:00.001+01:00

Emergency Aid ...

This 'ere blog started in October 2005 and in that time I have introduced you to a multitude of daft stories, idiotic political decisions and my own personal views on a wide variety of subjects. In their brief history, these daily postings had yet to reach the dizzy heights of more than one comment or an unsolicited suggestion ... until yesterday.

The great loss of life attributed to natural disasters, the rich and famous being treated like deities, certain far away secular religious groups acting like children, the general public being held to ransom by an all-powerful local government, even the ridiculous and senseless detention of yours truly in 'Hotel Commissariat' last year - all have been covered here in great detail.

... but nothing can compare to an Englishman who's run out of tea bags - just watch the help pour in.

Just about says it all really ...

Stu

(Thank you to PE who's mid-Atlantic about now and my old flying mucker, LJ in NI.)

2007-03-22T18:31:00.000+01:00

Save The Last Dunk For Me ...

Today marks a very sad occasion, the very last of my PGTips teabags had been brewed and drunk. Lovely.

This bloody country insists on filling its supermarket shelves with Twinings tea (over here pronounced: Twinn-ings), they think that this second-rate copy is IT amongst teas - the tea to end all teas. Sadly, it tastes as though someone crapped in the packet before sealing and shipping ...

Oh, tell me where I can get some PGTips please ... but I'm not going to pay a fortune for some dodgy Chinese import.

Stu

2007-03-20T07:47:00.000+01:00

Gee Whizz ...

Hot off the wires for you this morning ... a genetically-modified (GM) strain of malaria-resistant mosquito has been created that is better able to survive than disease-carrying insects. Gosh.

It gives new impetus to one strategy for controlling the disease: introduce the GM insects into wild populations in the hope that they will take over and destroy the disease-ridden lower classes. These new lab-insects carry a gene that prevents infection by the malaria parasite. In the lab, equal numbers of genetically modified and ordinary "wild-type" mosquitoes were allowed to feed on malaria-infected mice. As they reproduced, more of the GM mosquitoes survived. After nine generations, 70% of the insects belonged to the malaria-resistant strain.

If all goes well with testing, they will soon find their way into the great outdoors.

The only slight hiccup being it that they're 7 foot long and fly at the the speed of an F-16.

Stu

2007-03-16T10:15:00.001+01:00

Bac-on Track ...

Yes, yes, yes ... I know. I've written about daft stories before and this one is no different from the rest.

Honley Junior School in West Yorkshire was getting ready to perform a version of Little Red Riding Hood And The Three Little Pigs but was told to substitute the piggies for puppies by some meddling do-gooder.

The fears being that the pigs might upset the Muslim children in the chorus so the order went out to ban the piggie lyrics from the performance.

Little Red Riding Hood And The ... Puppies? What the heck is going on? Were the school teachers asking the little Muslims to eat pig meat? No, just to sing about them in the Kirklees Primary Music Festival. Council education spokesman Jim Dodds said that "something barmy is going on here and it has happened on my watch. I can tell you now that the three little pigs will be back into the school musical festival." He added that "the decision to ban the pigs was made by well-meaning people - it was the wrong decision, so let's stick with tradition"

Well said Jim.

Surely, with non-Christian kids living in a Christian-based country, now is the ideal time to learn about other cultures. It proves that integration and inter-culture tolerance starts at nursery school ...

Tell me, 2007 is the Chinese year of the Pig. In China, 2.4% of the populous is Muslim. Are they offended?

Err, nope ...

Stuart

2007-03-12T10:50:00.000+01:00

I Feel Like A Piece Of Ass ...

This is too good to re-write, so here it is as it appeared as published:

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised “to get out and meet people,” the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney with an address in south Galway was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

Solicitor for the accused Ms Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.

“Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey,” she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”

Supt John McBrearty told the court that Mr McCarney who had signed in as “ Mr Shrek” had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the supt said was “young and hadn’t great English.”
Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of “super rabbit” which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.

McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to Mill St station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.

He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Good, or what?

Thank you PE for bring this to our attention.

Stu

2007-03-07T00:44:00.001+01:00

Americans are not stupid. Official.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

Yeah, right ...

And this is the modern day Superpower? We're well and truly f**ked ...!

Stu