Friday, October 14, 2005

Keeping Their Noses IN Other People’s Business ...

A good trawl through the internet is like a ‘successful morning constitution’ (and those people who suffer from the same condition will understand). Good, so now we’re off to a tasteful start …
Today, I learnt that Britain’s super secret organisation has finally admitted their existence and launched a website. MI6 (the Secret Intelligence Service) has cracked opened a door to reveal the tiniest insight into their operation. The launch of the website marks another step towards having a public face for an organisation which was not even officially acknowledged to exist until just over a decade ago. Naturally, they don’t list a ‘Who’s Who’ in the spy game or where your local terrorist cells may be renting a bedsit … but it does give you the chance to understand what they do (but again, nothing specific). You’d have to be simple to think that they would.

The site says, ‘SIS must protect the secrets of its sources and methods. This factor is reflected in our website’.

So, what information can you expect to find?

Well, who they answer to, past history and how to apply for a job.

In the section entitled ‘Frequently Asked Questions’, they list ‘How Can I Offer Intelligence To SIS?’, ‘How Big Is SIS?’ and my favourite, ‘How Realistic Is The Depiction Of SIS In The James Bond Films?’

In tackling the first, they give a PO Box address. Naturally, no clickble links to phone lines or email addresses. If you have any information you think would be useful, please drop them a line (I would strongly recommend a first class stamp).

In regards to ‘How Big’, again, the expected basic reply, ‘We’re not telling you’.

However, the last question on ‘James Bond’ is somewhat of a bland answer but I can't understand why they didn’t just reply with ‘No. You twerp.’.

Once you have been recruited from ‘Oxbridge’ (as shocking as it may sound), you cannot expect to spend your entire career sleeping with foreign spies, driving immaculate luxury British sports cars and shooting the place up like an arcade game. The Service is operated by The Crown and is not a government department. So, like any organisation, it has to be accountable for it’s actions and expenditure and the thought of a tweed-attired, bespectacled Austin Allegro driver could be the more realistic expectation of the spies of 2005. The website is available in English, French, Spanish, Russian, Arabic and Chinese languages.

But talking of sticking your noses into other people’s business, I couldn’t help but notice two wonderful examples from Britain’s forerunner in sex and crap journalism - The ‘soar-away’ Sun.

For those at SIS who’d like to go into the thick of an undercover operation with some secreted recording apparatus need look no further. Apparently, ‘computer chips that can store music just like an iPod could soon be built into breast implants’. The accompanying picture is of super-pumped-up-bimbo, Jordan. Below the image it says ‘click picture to enlarge’. I think she’s probably large enough, Ed.

The second gem from the East End paragons of truth, comes from our soon-to-be-euroclub-members, Turkey. Builder, Mehmet Ozyurek, has just entered the Guinness Book Of Records with his enormous ... (wait for it ladies) ... nose. Measuring in at an impressive 8.8cm (that’s 3.5ins in real money), I’m sure the personnel department of the Turkish Intelligence Service will be knocking on his door.

And that’s not an opportunity to be sneezed at …




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