Sunday, October 23, 2005

Fire Up And Forget …

Today, I thought I'd treat you all to a good old fashioned rant. Such was the positive response to the 'Victor Meldrew' article, I thought it time to vent my spleen yet again. In all good stories, there are winners and losers. This one is all about losers …

Before we all settle down for a good slanging match, there is something I should tell you about before we roll our sleeves up and get going. I've discovered an amazing little device made by those wonderful people at Ronco. It's called the 'Ronco Give-A-Toss-O-Meter' and is available in all good electrical retailers for 29,99.

Simply plug it into your USB port of your computer (it‘s got a self-extractor installer) and click on the 'Entertainment' pages on the internet. Take a look at what they believe we should be regarding as 'Entertainment' and copy the html (I gather that‘s the name given to the page address) and paste it into the Ronco 'Give-A-Toss-O-Meter' search box.

With the aid of a needle and a coloured meter (yellow for 'Don't Care', green for 'Mildly Sick-Making' and red for 'Really Couldn’t Give A Flying'), the 'Ronco Give-A-Toss-O-Meter’ will then tell you whether this is news fit to print and if we should really be 'giving a toss'. Here, in no particular order, are those the 'Ronco Give-A-Toss-O-Meter’ could not 'give-a-toss-about';

* Robbie Williams
* Absolutely anything to do with Michael Jackson
* Sienna what's-her-name
* The word 'chav'
* Posh and Becks (and any number of their nannies)
* Kate Moss and her copious nostrils
* The many court cases of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas
* 'People' magazines - page upon page of grinning ‘celebrities’ at 'charity' do’s.
* Anyone who's had 'the botox treatment'
* Any spoken or written word from a British Royal
* People who use the word 'broadcaster' as a job description, when 'gob on a stick' will do
* The furry marsupial known as Burt Reynolds's hairpiece
* News readers who feel it necessary to pronounce foreign words and names with an equally foreign accent
* Reality TV shows (reality?)
* UNESCO High Commissioners
* My neighbour, who really is called Victor

Please feel free to add your own.

*Latest Addition*
* Ulrika Jonsson and her ever-growing list of penile assistants

My Christmas gift list has now been sorted ...

Talking of 'deals of the century', here's one I found;

Any offers?




Blogger Ptegan said...

Michael Jackson is *so* yesterday Stuart, get with it !

Sunday, October 23, 2005 1:46:00 pm  
Blogger Stu said...

Ahh, yes ... but the copyright for the contraption says '2002 - 2004' ... you figure it out!

Sunday, October 23, 2005 7:33:00 pm  

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