Heroin Chic …

The latest round of Fashion Shows have just come to an end in the French capital, with the normal A, B, C, K and Z lists of celebs trotting off to be seen. The 'tropical fish club' were also there. 50yr old++ women who all seem to have the same stretched face, lips of uncontrollable rubber* and who dare not smile for fear of coming adrift from their hairlines.

Ivana Trump was spotted at one show. Her 'tighter-than-is-healthy' outfit attempting to keep control of her ever inflating form.

On the catwalk, painfully thin, flat-chested female 'mod-uls' have a new way of walking. It's rather like dressage performed by a wounded antelope. Reseating a dislocated shoulder without aesthetic looks less painful.

Then there's the clothes ... do me a favour. Anyone who's delivered a plastic bag of unwanted tat to a homeless shelter will know what I mean.

Applaud the 'designers' … hells bells and buckets of blood … badling or badly wigged people like Mr Tippex-Head, Karl Lagerfeld, a Thunderbird marionette in a former life. Then there's Valentino, who's hair dye is about as subtle as ripping a loud one off during the death scene in Swan Lake. Bring on Brit 'designer', John Galliano … nah. Can't be bothered to slag him off. He's just odd. Very, very odd.

Well they'll all be back at the end of February … for Prêt a Porter season.

Oh goody, can hardly wait.

Stu

* see 'clown fish'

Fat Lip …

So, not only did Arnie upset his fellow (hang on, once fellow) Austrians over his reluctance to pardon a prominent US death row inmate, but now the California governor has admitted to breaking the law in his adopted US.

A few days ago, the 'incomprehensible one' took his Harley Davidson motorcycle out for a spin in the LA traffic - his 12-year old son, Patrick, in the sidecar.

Well, Arnie crashed into a tax-payers car, and guess what, he doesn’t have a motorcycle license.

Imagine, someone as high up in the Kennedy family (go and do a search for bimbo wife Maria Schriver), currently Governor of the State of California, involved in a road traffic accident and who has been driving his ‘Hog’ illegally since moving to the States nearly 25 years ago. After the latest scrape, Arnie suffered a cut lip which required 17 stitches.

Didums.

Anyone else would be charged, fined, jailed and (if Arnie was in control, which he is) given a lethal injection.

In 2004, he spent four days in hospital after breaking six ribs when his (unlicensed) motorcycle collided with a car. The Tyrolean Tyrant was elected governor of California in 2003 and has confirmed he will seek re-election next year - and maybe apply for a bike license, eh Arn?

After all this ho-har, apparently, ‘the Governor’ could face a fine. Now, watch the 1st year English student get out of this one …

Stu

I Saw A Mouse …

American ‘Good Ole Boy’ Luciano Mares, found a mouse in his house.

He trapped it, picked it up, walked outside and threw the poor little thing onto the bonfire.

But the joke was on the Redneck as the mouse, now in shock and ablaze, ran back into the house and hid under the floorboards.

The house burnt down.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," said 81-yr old rodent-roaster Mares. Though no one was injured, the house and everything in it was destroyed.

Uncoiling himself from a nearby lampost after a fit of hysterics, Fire Department Captain Jim Lyssy said"I've seen numerous house fires, but nothing as unique as this one."

You work all your life, retire to a small place, enjoy a drop of gardening and then, one day, decide to throw a defenceless animal on a bonfire …

Maybe Hollywood should get together with the Dutch sparrow murderers (23,000 Reasons) and make ‘The World’s Most Hilarious Animal Deaths’.

Stu Little

Bite Me, Bitch ...

During the weekend, an Australian woman from Brisbane was killed in a brutal shark attack at a popular beach near the city. The 21-year-old suffered extensive injuries, losing both arms below the elbow and sustaining deep wounds to her leg. It is thought that several Bull sharks carried out the attack. Apparently, they are notorious for being aggressive during the mating season and often try to attack humans.

There's always a ho-ha around any shark attack; speedboats full of guns and testosterone set out for revenge - humans have to get their own back. But like any animal, a shark is only doing what is natural in it's own surroundings.

It must be truly dreadful and shocking to anyone on the beach at the time and, naturally, to the families of the deceased.

Locals living near the same beach said that they "often saw sharks in the water and had been concerned about a possible attack." That’s good enough for me. "We've been waiting for this for a long time, we always thought someone was going to be taken here."

In Australia, over the past five years, there have been 10 fatal incidents. Shark attacks always make the headlines and according to the International Shark Attack File, there were 55 unprovoked attacks in 2003. Unprovoked? That gives the impression that the shark is to blame every time. If someone came into your home, uninvited, what would you do exactly?

I remember swimming in Florida some time ago, "Are there sharks in these waters?" I asked. Once the reply confirmed that there were, I was out of there like a Polaris missile leaving a submarine. If you willingly put yourself in harm’s way, then you only have yourself to blame if it all goes 'Billy Cotton'.

Researchers in South Africa and Australia have started working on an electrical shield which will protect swimmers from shark attacks. The shield emits an electric signal which sharks are not too keen on, thus keeping them away from beaches. Great idea. Saves on suntanned cowboys, outboard engines, pump-action shotguns and revenge on a creature which is only doing what it does - naturally.

Maybe it's my northern-European, shark-free-water attitude but, after all, they’ve been around a lot longer than we have.

Stu

In The Dog House ...

Wakko Jacko, the self-crowned King Of Pop, is being sued by a Californian vet for alleged unpaid bills. Martin Dinnes, top dog at Dinnes Memorial Veterinary Hospital, claims that the KOP currently owes him $91,602 (£51,729).

So, the truth is out … we now know who performed the ‘quick fix while-u-wait’ facial surgery.

Mr Dinnes helped Mr Jackson acquire animals for his Neverland Ranch, which he has not occupied since being cleared of kiddy fiddling charges in June of 2005.
The animals at Mr Jackson's ranch include giraffes, elephants, orang-utans and flamingos. Mr Dinnes' lawyer said his client has continued to look after the animals since Mr Jackson moved to Bahrain.

It is also claimed that the vet "filed the lawsuit with great reluctance and he has a lot of admiration for Michael but this is simly a business matter between them."

For someone who earns $2283 an hour, I think he should take his head out of the sand and pay the man …

Stu

And to kick off 2006;

Urine Trouble Now ...

A 77-yr old French senior citizen has just spent a night in custody in a Paris copshop after attacking a major piece of artwork - a plain porcelain urinal. The urinal, made by French-US artist Marcel Duchamp in 1917, was slightly chipped when the man hit it with a hammer on Wednesday.

So, who classed this as art?

Some tosser is a black polo neck no doubt ...

The piece, called Fountain, was attacked at the Pompidou Centre in Paris. Police said the man had piddled on the same piece at an exhibition in Nimes in 1993. The work is believed to be worth some 3m euros (£2m).

3m euros for a urinal with grafitti on it?

Police said the man claimed the hammer attack was a work of performance art, the kind that Marcel Duchamp himself would have appreciated.

Well that's just taking the piss.

Happy New Year to all you urinal smashers ... maybe the 77-yr old has a point.

Stu